It has been nearly one week since I first experienced these strange ‘shocks’ in my head. I wish I could describe them accurately. Wednesday, the shock hit me hard. I made my whole body twinge. Then it hit again on Thursday, which sent my heart racing and took me on a trip to the hospital.
My world has been rocked ever since. I just turned 42 years old and I was pretty active. I played basketball three times a week — sometimes more. But now, I’m having a hard time standing up without feeling light headed. I’ve had thoughts of brain tumor, aneurysm, stroke, heart attack, MS, and I’m sure the list goes on and on. However, all the tests have come back normal. Tomorrow I go in for a ct scan on my head to rule out tumor. While the doctor doesn’t think that’s what it is, he’s doing it for my peace of mind.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I feel lost. I feel like I have no road map or any answers. Typicially, if I sick or hurt, I know WHY I’m sick or hurt. This time I have no clue and neither do the doctors.
However, I can tell you I feel more close to the Lord than I’ve ever felt. I’ve had to depend on Him through this. While it may not seem that bad to you, it feels like incredible uncertainty for me. I keep thinking about my eight year old daughter and my wife. I don’t want to leave either one of them. I’m scared. Not of death. Death would be great, actually, because I’d be with the Lord in heaven…but of leaving them without a father and husband. That’s a lot to pile on someone — especially a little girl who was already an orphan once.
So, that’s where I am emotionally. There was a song I stumbled upon while I was traveling. It’s called, “Gentle Savior” by David Phelps and has really put in perspective the way I feel. Here are the words:
Where are the signs? Which way should I go?
I planned each step but now I don’t know.
Tomorrow is a chasm of uncertainty
But, I will go there, if You’ll go with me.
Gentle Savior, lead me on.
Let Your Spirit light the way.
Gentle Savior, lead me on.
Hold me close and keep me safe.
Lead me on, Gentle Savior.
Why can’t I walk away from my regrets
And why is forgiveness so hard to accept.
My past surrounds me like a house I can’t afford.
But You say, “Come with me; don’t live there anymore.”
And when I reach the valley every soul must journey through
I’ll remember then how well You know the way,
I’ll put my hand in Your hand like a trusting child would do
thanks for sharing your journey with us. you know, if paul or john had lived in our day, i wonder what their blogs would have included.
know that you will be prayed for in this time of uncertainty of what our Lord is doing. I know that you KNOW these things…that our Lord is in control, that He does what is best…etc., but now you are learning these things from experience and being drawn closer to Him. Let us know how we can pray and help.