24 | March | 2010 | Greg Yoder

It’s nearing the end of the day today and I thought I would post. Not much new has happened. I do have a little more pain today. But, I’m trying to keep in under control with meds. Yesterday, I was trying to ween myself off of them, but the reality is — I still need them. I shouldn’t have tried to do that. That’s probably why I had such a difficult day.

I took my first shower today. THAT was an event. Because I can’t keep my leg straight without a brace and the fact that I’m not supposed to put weight on it — getting into the shower is a difficult task. You should try it. Try getting ready for a shower without bending your leg. Try stepping into a shower stall without bending your leg, or putting weight on one of your leg. The only way to do it is with crutches. When the bottoms get wet, on a laminate floor can be catastrophic. Once I got in, I was okay. But, when I tried getting out I was scared. I thought, “one wrong move and I”m back in the hospital.” I got more nervous and more nervous — then the knee/foot pain started getting worse. I was in trouble. Then I took the hop over the shower stall edge. Good foot on dry floor — bad foot in the shower stall. Since I can’t do a straight leg lift, can’t bend my knee and can’t put weight on it — I was stuck. What did I do? I eased my bad foot to the edge of the shower stall, ever so slowly easing my heel the 8 inches to the floor of the bathroom — whew — I was safe.

I’m not taking another shower any time soon. That was frightening. I think next time, a bath is for me. I can do that sitting down with my foot up. I just have to get upstairs to do that.

The shower was the most eventful event today. I did get a couple of visitors. Steve Raemisch and Brian Felten brought me lunch. After that — nothing.

My day consists of waking up on the couch. Getting up and get ready for the day. Go back to the couch. Make coffee on the way to the couch. Fire up the laptop computer. Get up, get coffee — which is hard with crutches. Then back to the couch. Then lunch — on the couch. Then, more couch. Couch, couch, couch and more couch.

But, the great news is I HAVE A COUCH that I can be comfortable in. In Haiti, those who are injured are living on the streets. Those who have more serious injuries than me are struggling just to find shelter. I have a house. I’m truly blessed to have what I have. Pain or no pain, I’m truly blessed beyond anything I can imagine.

Keep praying for me. I wish I was stronger. I wish I was more of an example. I’m just doing what God allows me to do — were it not for grace.

Well, it’s finally hit. Self pity. Depression. Concern. Worry. Pain. All of it seemed to hit today. I’m not really sure why. I’ve been doing everything I can to try and keep my gaze toward Christ, but today I just started doubting EVERYTHING. Not about my walk spiritually, or how I’m trying to focus on learning something through the pain. Now I’m asking stupid questions.

They really are stupid, too. Questions like: What if the surgery didn’t work? Will I ever be able to bend me knee again? Am I getting a blood clot? Am I doing little enough to give myself a fighting chance when I finally start physical therapy. See? I told you they were stupid questions.

The day started off bad. I woke up at 6:30 with pain. I didn’t take any medication and I think my foot may have slipped of the pillow, so my knee may be bent a little — no easy task when you’re in a full knee immobilizer. But, it was enough to start my day on a negative note. When you’re in that much pain, you really don’t want to get out of bed. I popped a couple pain pills and waited for them to kick in. I finally got up and manage to turn my day around by reading the Bible. I started in Genesis and plan to read all the way through the Bible. Believe it or not, I did get a lot out of my reading this morning.

Because of the uneasy feelings I was having I decided to put them out of my mind by just going outside and watch the little neighbor kids play in the warm spring weather here in Michigan. I was up on my crutches about 30 minutes. It was good. I felt good. My leg didn’t hurt that much. The interesting thing about my pain is the knee pain isn’t that bad, it’s the associated swelling in my foot and the lack of circulation there that’s causing me the greatest discomfort.

If I’m upright for very long my foot literally turns a unique purple color. I think it’s because the wrap around my knee is pretty tight (compression wrap for the swelling), plus the knee immobilizer is causing a bit of a circulation problem. But, if I move my foot around while I’m hobbling on the crutches, it seems okay.

When I cam in from outside, I was pleased because I didn’t have much pain in my foot. However, I had to go out tonight for a family appointment this afternoon. I sat most of the time, but when I returned, my foot was purple again.

So, my uneasiness is based more on the pain in my foot, than the pain in my knee. Silly isn’t it? I guess I’m battling the fear of more blood clots. So, I’ve placed my trust on something OTHER than Christ.

I know better. Why do I do this? Is it lack of faith? It is a lack of a complete relationship with Him. What is it? Why do I question Him so often? I know God does this for my good. I know He’s not surprised by any of it. (sigh)

It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting here wondering what I’m going to do about it. Ultimately, I’m going to end my writing, pray and ask God to change my attitude and understand that my ways are His ways and the other way around.

Bottom line? Took a step backward today with the way my knee feels. I don’t feel like I made any ‘healing’ progress today. But, perhaps this was a day God wanted to cut me down a couple notches to make sure I ‘hear’ Him. “Lord I’m really trying to listen. Help me listen.”