CT Scan day

I woke up at 4:30 am today with a strange sensation throughout my body. I felt like my whole body was pulsating. Then my head started thumping. I tossed and turned until I needed to get up at 6:30 am for my catscan on my head.

The morning started off cloudy, but warm for this time of year. It started off in the lower 50’s, but it’s suppose to get windy and cold today. I’m currently sitting on the couch at 9:45 in the morning watching Fox News and wondering about my health.

I was nearly in tears as the nurse drew blood and as I went into the catscan room at 8:00 am. The guy who did the test sensed my concern and told me that 90 percent of the people who get ct scans have nothing show up. That was good, but that also means 1 in 10 DO have something show up. With my luck, I’ll be the one out of the 10.

I had a great talk with God this morning. I prayed for the obvious things, but I also realize God has a plan and he’s not waiting for me to complete the plan. He’s going to do what He wants no matter what. I just need to be willing to be a part of the plan, not to be a hindrance. So, while I don’t want to have a tumor in my head, I know He’s in total control and I just need to trust.

This process has been hard, but it’s been good. I know people are praying for me. That’s also a good thing. However, the doctor and the hospital are making waiting even more difficult. I was told today that I may have to wait a week to get the results. How can they expect people to wait that long? That’s ridiculous.

I am a bit disappointed I can’t go hunting tomorrow (opening day deer hunting). But, in the scheme of things, that’s VERY small. 🙂

I had one great success today. I was able to do the dishes without feeling too queezy. So, perhaps things are looking up.

I’m excited to start reading Romans tomorrow in The Message. I love that book. I helps me focus on what’s important. Chapter 9, will be especially helpful.

Difficult day

It has been nearly one week since I first experienced these strange ‘shocks’ in my head. I wish I could describe them accurately.  Wednesday, the shock hit me hard. I made my whole body twinge. Then it hit again on Thursday, which sent my heart racing and took me on a trip to the hospital.

My world has been rocked ever since. I just turned 42 years old and I was pretty active. I played basketball three times a week — sometimes more. But now, I’m having a hard time standing up without feeling light headed.  I’ve had thoughts of brain tumor, aneurysm, stroke, heart attack, MS, and I’m sure the list goes on and on. However, all the tests have come back normal.  Tomorrow I go in for a ct scan on my head to rule out tumor. While the doctor doesn’t think that’s what it is, he’s doing it for my peace of mind.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because I feel lost.  I feel like I have no road map or any answers.  Typicially, if I sick or hurt, I know WHY I’m sick or hurt. This time I have no clue and neither do the doctors.

However, I can tell you I feel more close to the Lord than I’ve ever felt.  I’ve had to depend on Him through this. While it may not seem that bad to you, it feels like incredible uncertainty for me. I keep thinking about my eight year old daughter and my wife. I don’t want to leave either one of them. I’m scared. Not of death. Death would be great, actually, because I’d be with the Lord in heaven…but of leaving them without a father and husband. That’s a lot to pile on someone — especially a little girl who was already an orphan once.

So, that’s where I am emotionally.  There was a song I stumbled upon while I was traveling.  It’s called, “Gentle Savior” by David Phelps and has really put in perspective the way I feel.  Here are the words:

Where are the signs? Which way should I go?
I planned each step but now I don’t know.
Tomorrow is a chasm of uncertainty
But, I will go there, if You’ll go with me.

Gentle Savior, lead me on.
Let Your Spirit light the way.
Gentle Savior, lead me on.
Hold me close and keep me safe.
Lead me on, Gentle Savior.

Why can’t I walk away from my regrets
And why is forgiveness so hard to accept.
My past surrounds me like a house I can’t afford.
But You say, “Come with me; don’t live there anymore.”


And when I reach the valley every soul must journey through
I’ll remember then how well You know the way,
I’ll put my hand in Your hand like a trusting child would do
And say…