Well, it’s finally hit. Self pity. Depression. Concern. Worry. Pain. All of it seemed to hit today. I’m not really sure why. I’ve been doing everything I can to try and keep my gaze toward Christ, but today I just started doubting EVERYTHING. Not about my walk spiritually, or how I’m trying to focus on learning something through the pain. Now I’m asking stupid questions.
They really are stupid, too. Questions like: What if the surgery didn’t work? Will I ever be able to bend me knee again? Am I getting a blood clot? Am I doing little enough to give myself a fighting chance when I finally start physical therapy. See? I told you they were stupid questions.
The day started off bad. I woke up at 6:30 with pain. I didn’t take any medication and I think my foot may have slipped of the pillow, so my knee may be bent a little — no easy task when you’re in a full knee immobilizer. But, it was enough to start my day on a negative note. When you’re in that much pain, you really don’t want to get out of bed. I popped a couple pain pills and waited for them to kick in. I finally got up and manage to turn my day around by reading the Bible. I started in Genesis and plan to read all the way through the Bible. Believe it or not, I did get a lot out of my reading this morning.
Because of the uneasy feelings I was having I decided to put them out of my mind by just going outside and watch the little neighbor kids play in the warm spring weather here in Michigan. I was up on my crutches about 30 minutes. It was good. I felt good. My leg didn’t hurt that much. The interesting thing about my pain is the knee pain isn’t that bad, it’s the associated swelling in my foot and the lack of circulation there that’s causing me the greatest discomfort.
If I’m upright for very long my foot literally turns a unique purple color. I think it’s because the wrap around my knee is pretty tight (compression wrap for the swelling), plus the knee immobilizer is causing a bit of a circulation problem. But, if I move my foot around while I’m hobbling on the crutches, it seems okay.
When I cam in from outside, I was pleased because I didn’t have much pain in my foot. However, I had to go out tonight for a family appointment this afternoon. I sat most of the time, but when I returned, my foot was purple again.
So, my uneasiness is based more on the pain in my foot, than the pain in my knee. Silly isn’t it? I guess I’m battling the fear of more blood clots. So, I’ve placed my trust on something OTHER than Christ.
I know better. Why do I do this? Is it lack of faith? It is a lack of a complete relationship with Him. What is it? Why do I question Him so often? I know God does this for my good. I know He’s not surprised by any of it. (sigh)
It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting here wondering what I’m going to do about it. Ultimately, I’m going to end my writing, pray and ask God to change my attitude and understand that my ways are His ways and the other way around.
Bottom line? Took a step backward today with the way my knee feels. I don’t feel like I made any ‘healing’ progress today. But, perhaps this was a day God wanted to cut me down a couple notches to make sure I ‘hear’ Him. “Lord I’m really trying to listen. Help me listen.”